up.

I look up to the mountains
does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made the heavens and the earth....
psalm 121


i believe it was when i started high school that my mother started saying, "keep looking up!"

she'd write these words down on small pieces of note paper
and place this reminder in random places...

somehow she always seemed to know when i was down.

(somehow she still knows).

lately, i've been looking straight ahead. to the left. to the right. and down. down. down.

not up.

i've been stuck for awhile in this current season of life.

the current "job" i have is getting me nowhere. i don't even know what to look for at this point.

in terms of relationships....i also feel sort of stuck. i want independence (i mean, who doesn't want that?) but i also want a feeling of belonging. hmm.

my parents. can i just say that without them i would be a lost little girl? they are my support system in more ways than i really even know. they keep telling me, "jonelle, this is just a season of life. this soon will pass. GOD has something for YOU."

i hear these words and of course become encouraged but that feeling instantly vaporizes into the air. (up in the air).

my God. my Father. can i just say that without HIM i would be a lost little girl? he is my true support system. he keeps my feet from slipping. he keeps my head from falling any lower. he takes me in his arms and says, "this is just a season."

i keep looking up because looking down only hurts my neck and hurts any chance of me seeing the bigger picture....hurts any chance of me coming into my own.

i look UP.

up. up. and away!

i find words romantic.

i find words romantic.

i do, really.

i find them untouchable. uncontainable. and often times, unspeakable, which isn't always convenient but that's where my pen and paper (and laptop) come in handy.

i am a lover of many things and one of them is the written word. i find that i can be swept up in a poem, in a phrase.....

e.e. cummings. billy collins. john steinbeck. jane austen.

(etc...)

sometimes i will notice something and my mind will describe it as if i'm writing. i can't even articulate this "experience" but my mind wanders to a place of description--

for instance: today, when i was cooling down from my run i saw an old woman leaning up against a light post on my street. she had her face pointed directly towards the sun and the sun showed every graceful line and wrinkle on her face. in that very moment, i was swept up. something so small. so insignificant, but yet....so beautiful. my mind began to wander and wrote a little something that i have since forgot, but life described by the written word is a true treasure in this lifetime.

i also find penmanship to be an intriguing thing. my grandmother once wrote out this bible verse on a piece of paper, which my mother photocopied and gave to all of us when she passed away. her handwriting is just like her. beautiful, warm and intelligent. i have it on my fridge in the apartment because the verse itself is beautiful but seeing her handwriting makes me feel as if she is still around. strange, perhaps, but it is a comfort. this is why i love getting mail. even little notes are nice. my mother would put little notes in my lunchbox and at school i would find them on top of my sandwich. something so small.

but so significant.

words. there are romantic in every way.

dr. seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

thank you, dr. seuss.

also, thank you to my dear tiny ones who matter and don't mind.

loves you.

the in-between

Today:

I went for a 5 mile run. Running in Beverly, where life bustles about, is exhilarating. I find that I feed off of a certain energy. -The cars buzzing by. The people walking about town.

(I do, however, enjoy the peace and quiet of the woods now and then).

Today:

I realized that my faith is the one thing holding me together....sometimes I forget my purpose....I forget why I am the way I am....why I am here in the first place and then I am reminded.

I am reminded that God is great. That He makes all things....good (great).

Today:

I listened to these three songs: Heal for the Honey by Brooke Waggoner, 'Round Midnight by John Coltrane and Good Day Sunshine by The Beatles. None can compare to King of Anything by Sara Bareilles. That song gets me PUMPED.

I find that we all interpret song lyrics differnetly and this song hits certain points for me emotionally. Music is an amazing gift. Sometimes I find music mind boggling. Yes, boggling!

Today:

I've decided to get bangs.

Tomorrow:

Who knows.

(guilty) pleasures.

katy perry's teenage dream.

justin bieber.

hulu.com.

youtube.

vogue.

cupcakes.

naps.

peanut m&ms.

facebook.

entourage.

jcrew.

sufjan and stoves.

Tonight was the first night I used the stove in my apartment. The very sad truth is: I've been living here since July. (!)

Whoops.

I thought, as I was eating my cooked meal, "What have I been eating?"

A very good question. I've been basically living off of three food groups: wine, carbs and....Panera Bread salads.

This also has to do with the fact that all I could afford at one point was cereal and milk...that was already in my kitchen. Those were a rough two weeks.

I've been listening to Sufjan Stevens who I am seeing in concert this November in Boston with my dear friend Lindsay. It's always nice to have something to look forward to.

(Listen to Holland by Sufjan Stevens).

I realize that not too many people may read this. That doesn't bother me. Blogging/writing is a form of therapy and a form of processing. I truly enjoy reading blogs that my friends have or even blogs of strangers. The everyday--we all do it. We have to, but we all do it differently. We all interpret it differently.

That's what is so exciting.

I find other people to be intriguing. I try to learn from others because I feel that's what we are to do.

I guess I am wanting to learn. Learn what I can....from others.

The movie, the Social Network (about Facebook...which I recommend) reminded me that we all want to be accepted by someone. By someones. That perhaps we want/crave for others to want to learn from us...maybe?

I realized all these thoughts above as I was cooking. As I was listening to Sufjan Stevens. These are my thoughts for this post. Simple, but they are mine.

une nouvelle saison

Fall is one of my favorite seasons. I can’t really put my finger on it, but there is something so significant about this season….it stands out. Each season that comes and goes brings changes—some small and some severe. Fall brings an air of change. The leaves change, the temperature changes, the ground changes and I always feel that I change. Of course, like everyone, I am always changing and evolving but it is different this time of year.

I can’t really put my finger on it.

I’ve been able to enjoy the few fall days that we’ve had so far. They’ve been few because Massachusetts just can’t seem to say goodbye to summer quite yet. Fall is a time where the apple reigns as king among all other fruits, where lattes taste like liquid heaven and where the beach becomes a place of real romance and beauty. This is my favorite season. The saying “time to turn over another leaf” becomes more tangible and to me, seems easier.

Throughout my life, I’ve been constantly changing into someone that I want to be. (At least, I think so….and it’s not without fallbacks….). I see it as a race—that I am running after this woman that I’m striving to be. She is wiser and stronger and has a deeper compassion. Sometimes when I think about this race I run each day it seems like a ridiculous concept, but in reality it isn’t. We all are striving to be something better….we are all striving to make the world a better place—to make our dent, to make our difference. By running this race, I provide myself with goals and since perfection will never be achieved in this lifetime, I accept the things I cannot fully change.

Fall is a time where I try harder to change. I become more aware of how I spend my time (ok, Facebook, it might just be time to say goodbye….), who I spend my time with, I try to be healthier, I try to read more, to write more and basically take more time where I can sit with my thoughts and meditate on things that matter. Ultimately, I try to strive to take myself out of the picture—to put others first. The more that I’ve done this I have found that my ability to love people becomes easier.

Change. A word that I run from but a word that I quickly return to. I anticipate what this season of life holds for me—what this season of weather….what it will produce.


The trees are in their autumn beauty,
The woodland paths are dry,
Under the October twilight the water
Mirrors a still sky

--segment of The Wild Swans at Coole by William Butler Yeats.